The Didier Drogba Dilemma….And Solutions?

June 13th, 2010 | by: Elliott | Comments Off

So, Didier Drogba’s arm surgery was a success and he rejoined the team with a an arm cast. Thus, Sven has until 24 hours before the Portugal game to make a decision. Will Didier remain on the roster? Rumor is that the Ivory Coast striker is desperate to play and exploring all possibilities. We, of course, have a few ideas of our own

The first option is for Drogba to just cut off the rest of his arm with a lightsaber and “get on with it.” He could then replace the entire extremity with a synthetic limb that may actually improve his grip.

The downside is that his reputation for a diver will only get worse if he has to yell “nooooooooooo” and fall down a gigantic chute in Cloud City. And I’m not sure lightsaber technology has caught up with twenty first century demands, although I do know a lot of people who have had similar, slightly less invasive laser surgery on their eyes.

The second option is for Drogba to come clean and admit that, rather than being a not-so-mild mannered human professional footballer, he is in fact a cyberborg sent back in time to kill John O’Connor. However, he has, like, a decade to do it, so he figured he’d kill some time playing professional football and living the good life. Wouldn’t you?

If Drogba is ready to make that leap and come clean with his fans, then the solution is quite simple. He merely needs to stick his broken arm into a molten lava until only the super strong titanium skeleton remains. That should also make it harder for defenders to tug on his arm, although conversely, if he tugs on somebody’s shirt it will probably burn or tear a hole.

The last option is also the most difficult to fathom. Drogba could ask Commissioner Gordon to use the batsignal to summon Batman, and then ask him for a spare batglove. Now, I know what you’re thinking – Bruce Wayne is a millionaire, surely he could spare Drogba the glove for a month.

But Batman has no assurances that Drogba is not affiliated with the Joker, Riddler, Catwoman, or the Penguin. Sure, he did stop a civil war, but in such prolonged strife black and white fade to gray and moral judgment becomes suspect. So, basically, I think this is the least practical of the options.