Ivory Coasting to Victory? Not so Burkina Fasso!

January 11th, 2010 | by: Elliott | View Comments

Alright, time to establish some house rules. First off, my ironic style of writing is not for the literal of hearted. If you want some dry match recaps, I suggest the always accurate ESPN. Second off, I am a blogger, not a journalist. My qualifications? I am a homo sapien with a computer. So if you have a problem with my groove, I suggest you start a poll to vote me off the world cup blog island. But be forewarned – some shady things involving me and other blogger elections have happened in the past.

But now, the topic at hand.

Burkina Fasso tied the Ivory Coast 0-0 and has complicated matters for the Elephants. Because Togo withdrew, the ‘Coast has one game left, against the powerful Ghana. If they lose to Ghana by a worse margin than Burkina Fasso, they could fail to make the knock-out phases.

But you already knew that. What you did not know is now about to be tested by a series of word associations. I need you to clear your head first. Breathe. Relax. Ready? No, you’re not. Breathe. Relax. Okay. Here we go.

Mercury.

Did you think of the planet? Did you think of the periodic table? I personally thought of the lead singer to a fabled rock and roll band, but we were both wrong. You should have thought of Didier Drogba, whose mercurial performances plague and inspire the Elephants.

Now, onto the next word. Well, two words.

Burkina Fasso.

You didn’t think of anything? Your head stayed blank? Congratulations – that is the correct answer. The ‘Coast beat Burkina Fasso twice in World Cup qualifying, yet inexplicably failed to record a victory. Well, perhaps somewhat explicably. Drogba had a half-claim to a penalty kick and the Elephants failed to finish chances. But still, Burkina Fasso? Yes. Burkina Fasso. Now say that three times fast. Still nothing? Same here.

Ghana

You thought of a country, didn’t you? Or worse, Michael Essien. Wrong and wronger. You should have thought of a typographical error – I meant to say “gonna,” as in “going.” As in, the ‘Coast is “gonna” beat Ghana. Please keep in mind my extensive qualifications when making this prediction.

Eboue

Did you think of the defender of Arsenal distinction that plays for the ‘Coast? Wrong. You should have thought of the word “boo.” No, I am not referring to the fact that the Elephants were a ghost of their former selves. No, I am not referring to the colloquial term of “boo” as “significant other.” I mean boo as in – Boo, I want my money back. The Coast manager has put a positive spin on the match, but surely the Elephants and their fans deserved much much better.

Alright, another two word treat.

Ivory Coast.

Did you think of a country? Did you think of a football team? Wrongnous appears contagious. You should have thought of a very nice and elegant coaster upon which to place a delicious beverage. And the Elephants will be similar placeholders if they don’t put together a more effective performance against Ghana this Friday…